On a recent episode of "Hawaii Five-0," an ATF agent is killed, and at the end of the episode, we see a video message that he's left for his son, stating that with him gone, he's now "The Man of the House." It reminded me of when my older son told me that his father had told him that he had to take on this role. His father and I had been divorced for a few years, and our son was about four at the time. I nearly choked when my son told me this. I immediately quashed this idea, telling my son that he was to be a boy and enjoy his life. I was perfectly capable of caring for him, his older sister, and our home, and there was no reason he had to stop being my a little boy and enjoying his childhood to become a "man." This was over a decade ago, and even then, I couldn't understand why anyone would want to tell a boy that he had to take over his absent father's role in the family and take care of me, as if I were the child and not the mother.
I don't believe that there was any resentment toward my ex-husband that charged my anger toward this backward thinking. I believe it was the idea behind it that bothered me the most. I couldn't then and still can't to this day understand why parents would want to rob their sons of their childhood and make them feel obligated to care for their mothers, rather than allow their mothers to do their job of taking care of them. The idea of gender roles is outdated at best, but the idea that a boy has to suddenly take on the role of the father is horrifying to me.
Don't get me wrong. I love men. I absolutely adore them. I believe that men and women are different in many ways, and that we should try harder to understand those differences and celebrate them in one another. Men and women not only have differences in their bodies, they also have differences in the way they process and view input and in their life experience in general. I'm not against feminism. I believe in equal treatment, equal rights, equal pay, etc., I believe that women are as capable as men in most things, but I don't believe that men are useless or replaceable.I don't subscribe to the idea that all men are dogs. I'm okay with the man-haters of the world. I am not okay with boys being told that they need to give up being children and suddenly take on the role of caring for their mothers.
There was a time in history when women lacked voting rights, property rights, legal rights, and had limited ability to make it in the world without a man to care for them. That time has long since passed. Children are much better off being raised with two loving parents, and fathers should be there to take an active role in their children's lives. Women, however, do not need to be taken care of by their sons simply because their father is no longer in the home, no matter why he isn't there. It is not the responsibility of a child to care for a parent, until that child is an adult, and only if the parent is ill and/or incapable of caring for himself/herself. For as long as a child is a child it is the parents' responsibility to care for the child and allow them to enjoy their childhood. Childhood doesn't last very long, and it should be enjoyed to the fullest.
Parents should always parent their children with an eye toward the adult that they are raising and teach them the morals and values that they would like their children to carry forward into adulthood. Part of the job of parents is teaching children what it means to be an adult and preparing them for that transition. That does not mean that children should be treated as adults or given adult responsibilities at the expense of their precious and fleeting youth. My children have always been and will always be my children. They may have chores and responsibilities, but caring for me and our home is my job, not theirs. The role of "Man of the House" will always be filled by a man, not a boy, and never by my sons. I am the parent. My sons are my sons. It is my job to make sure they are fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, have a place to sleep, learn their manners, learn about the world around them, are kept healthy, and most of all feel loved and wanted (Their sister is an adult with a child of her own now, but I still watch out for her and my granddaughter.). They will never be "The Man" of my house, and hopefully, other parents will stop putting this kind of responsibility on their sons and also stop lessening the power of the woman in the home by making her a damsel in distress when there isn't a man to take care of her and her home. It is a shame and an insult that needs to go the way of the dinosaur.
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